After The Vows



The most popular of the wedding vows is for better for worse, in sickness and in health for richer for poorer till death do us part.



for better for worse

When this vow is made by couples on their wedding day, many actually focus on 'for better' and reject  'for worse' and some churches do not allow the negative part of the vows any more. However, rejecting conditions that are unpleasant to couples (for worse) does not take those conditions away from any marriage. That is reality; it is a fact of life. These are situations that proove the marraige. Surviving those conditions make the couple to emerge stronger and more united. The buidling blocks beaten by rain and other elements of the weather are stronger than the newly moulded ones. The newly moulded ones may look more attractive, but is more likel;y to crumble if used to build a house while it is still new and fresh. Therefore, builders go the extra mile of pouring water for days before the newly moulded blocks can be used for building.

Weight challenges are inevitable in most marriages, both for the wives and the husbands. No matter how much we try, wear and tear sets in. Some at a faster rate than others, depending on a lot of factors. Amongst the first set of factors are the following:

1. Regular meals - most ladies do not eat regularly before marriage. But with marriage, there is a responsibility to feed the husband well. This is even before pregnancy occurs for most ladies. With cooking three meals daily, and eating together, some weight gain is noticed in both as quickly as even a month after the wedding. Compliments keep flowing in from friends and well wishers. The wife is happy because everybody is commending her good works showing on the husband. However, without knowing it, the 'expansion programme' has started for both of them. Sooner than later the man's stomach is taking a different shape, but it still looks ok and he feels that he can manage this; the woman feels same, or gets pregnant so is not bothered yet about weight. But something is already happening.
2. Pregnancy - with pregnancy comes additional weight gain, but the woman feels that she will handle this as soon as she gives birth. However, breast feeding sets in immedaitely and the woman is supposed to feed well. Most women also get helps to assist with the domestic work in the house. This flings any little exercise most women get from domestic work as very soon, they get used to having a help do the most minimal chores. They sweep, wash the bathrooms and toilets, grocery shopping and  laundry as well. All these are good avenues for exercising and burning fat and there is a good reason - the woman needs help.
3. Drivnig - most people drive to places that they would ordinarily have walked to because they now own cars and are just used to getting to these places faster by driving.

I really would  not like to go into much details on reasons for weight gain as that is the not my main focus  in this post. My focus is when the weight gain has occured, how do we react to our spouses and how do we react to the reaction of our spouses.

The reaction depends on likes and dislikes of people. Some prefer to look bigger while others, prefer them with little or no weight gain if possible. For those who want their spouses to gain weight, all welll and good; but just consider the health factor of gaining weight as many have lost their lives out the ignorance of the fact too much weight gain causes a lot of sicknesses and may lead death and has actually led to the death of many.

For those who do not like much weight gain, the reactions of the spouses may vary as follows:

1. Embarrasment - the spouse is embarrassed and might start avoiding appearing publicly with the partner handling weight challenges.
2. May kill attraction and affect the sexual relationship - some spouses are driven into the dangerous adventure adultery while some simply recoil in. 
3. Some become unkind and feel the partner with the challenge is sloppy, greedy and lazy; so they make unkind remarks.
4. Unpleasant remarks from people on the streets, taxis, buses etc; the stares, the gazes.

Whatever the challenge may be, challenges are meant to be overcome.

1. It can be quite painful if your spouse is no longer proud of your looks and as such does not want to show you off. That's simply what the embarrasment is all about. It is not hatred, he/she is simply dissappointed by the new look. He/she  feels betrayed and expects that  you will understand that this new look would embarras him. He/she begins to feel that you do not care about her/his feeling. It is similar to the feeling of betrayal most women feel when their spouses who showed so much care during courtship start abusing them physically right after marriage. They feel that the love and care was a 'ploy' used to lure them into marriage only to show their true colour after. Likewise, the spouse feels that the slim and trim looks was just a ploy to lure him into marriage and now that marriage is achieved, the spouse does no longer care about his ego. He feels that the person he got married to is fake.
2. The lack of sexual drive is a function of 'chemistry' that I must confess I have no expalantion for. People are simply attracted to different types of looks and it is not intentional that the drive went and comes back when the spouse takes on the looks that attract them. But in as much as we want to please our spouses, we also need to please ourselves and I have discovered that when we pay attention to our looks, we are happy  and invariably our spouses and even other people are pleased with our looks.

Both the offended party and the 'supposed offender'  need compassion and understanding. Make known your concerns in a kind and gentle way.

• we need to heed the simple jovial warnings. It may be passed accross in the atmosphere of laughter but they mean it -about 2 years after wedding, my husband came into the kitchen, and jokingly lifted up one of  my arms, and hailed me ;'christian mother!' while shaking the arms to show me the weight that was gethering there. It was funny to me but I understood that he passed his concern on in a kind way, so I did what I could not to ignore his concern because at that time even getting the right food was very expensive for us so we all ate what came our way, I walked at the slightest opportunity and handled house chores a lot, and you will never imagine how weight I lost as a reslut of that.
• I would advocate challenges be discussed and efforts to lose weight also be discussed. Some people make efforts but keep it to themselves.
• Most of the changes in the woman's body are prices paid for the beautiful children both couples have and enjoy.
• The introduction of remote control for Televisions, Airconditioners and even Fans, took it toll on the weight gain experienced by a lot of us as the little exercise of getting up to switch the TV on/off as well as the Airconditioners was taken off. This leads to people sitting in front of the television for long hours without any movement.
• If driving to the market, park a long distance to the shops so that a long walk can be taken to the shops and back to the car. That's an additional way of getting exercised.

Finally, these challenges can be compared to the elements of the weather buffetting your marriage. Be encouraged because it has its beautiful purpose which is to strenghten your marriage by the time you have gone through it. Just like Nelly says, it will end in praise and when you tell the stories of how you overcame, you will understand the purpose of the challenge better by and by. No one can replace you in the heart and life of your spouse when you have taken the buffeting and loved him through it all and emrged a winner that you were fashioned to be. Girlfriends will expire like NAFDAC regulated medication. You may ask Dora what is done with expired drugs.